On this day last year, November 2, 2015, I laid my husband to rest. I believe all of the 1st and 2nd I was a robot going through the motions, standing where I was supposed to stand and saying thank you over and over to everyone I talked to. This is officially the end of the worst year of my life. I looked through all of my photos that the photographer took of those 2 days and I just see so much pain, sadness and in several I just look exhausted. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. From the 27th until the 2nd there was very little sleep and what sleep there was it was mostly tossing and turning. I had no time to take a break, I was planning a funeral and I had two small kids at home. From the date of diagnosis to the date of the funeral it was exactly 10 months. Ten months of stress, anger, exhaustion, unknown, denial, so much more all shown in a few of the photos I saw of myself from that day. Seeing how little my babies were is even more heartbreaking. They have grown so much in this last year and it’s so sad that Bob isn’t here to watch them grow. I hate the thought of everything they will miss out on with their daddy. Dad’s night at school is coming up for Logan and there will be so many more of these things for him and Caleb that they can’t experience with Bob.
This past year I’ve learned so much about myself and figured things out on my own. Solo parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve questioned myself many times if I was doing it right because I didn’t have Bob to bounce it off of. I’ve also changed quite a bit in the last year and I can’t say I’m the same person I was and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’ve learned to become independent and strong and figure out this new life of mine.
I don’t know what to expect going into the 2nd year without Bob but I do know that I am going to live my life to the fullest and experience new things for myself and the boys. Life is too short not to. I want to take the boys on road trips to places and just enjoy life with them. I am not moving on from Bob but I am moving forward in this life. I know there will be so much more grieving throughout my lifetime, I don’t think there is an end to it, but if I can be happy and the boys can be happy then that’s what will happen. I want to remember all of the good memories Bob and I had and not dwell on the 10 months that were bad.