2015 in its entirety was a crazy mess and a lot of it was a blur. If Bob hadn’t written his blog and time hop didn’t exist I may not remember half of it. 2016 is basically the same thing. Seems like this year without Bob has gone by so fast but at the same time so slowly.
On October 25, 2015 I got a text from my brother that they were at the hospital getting ready to have my nephew. I was at the hospital with Bob (in ICU) and told him our nephew would be arriving today. He was excited to become an uncle again. When I told him his name he thought about it for a second and then gave a thumbs up. I spent as much time as I could with Bob that day until I had to go home because I had no one to stay overnight with the kids. I had this weird feeling and didn’t want to leave him but since I had to, I called our friend Justin to see if he could come stay with Bob for awhile until an officer could get there. Luckily Justin was able to. I didn’t even make it home and got a call from Justin, he said, “you said they could intubate if they had to right?” and I said “yes, why?”, “because they just did” was his response. I will never forget that conversation. I was terrified, I felt bad for Justin for having to witness that and I felt like a failure of a wife that I wasn’t there for Bob, still do. I called Sgt. Absolon since he lives close by and asked if he could drive me back up to the hospital since I was in no shape to drive. He got me there pretty quickly.
On the 26th we found out that the cancer had started to wrap around his spine and that was causing these latest issues and at this point there was nothing that could be done. Bob told me he wanted to see everyone he could and then gave me directions for what to do next. Throughout the day we would see friends, family and officers coming to tell Bob goodbye. It was all very surreal. I’ll never forget when Chief Belmar showed up. He thanked Bob for working for St. Louis County Police and said we will take care of Alicia and the boys. Bob said, more like a family than a job, thank you sir and then stuck his hand out to shake Chief Belmar’s hand. This is who Bob was, so amazing. We stayed up late and prayed most of the night with our friend Bill and we still had officers changing shifts every 3 hours so I know Ben was one of them there for some of that. I slept in a recliner next to Bob’s bed all night and held his hand, Bob’s sister slept in a chair on the other side of the bed. Everytime he moved I looked at his monitors just praying that he would hold on long enough to say goodbye to the boys. We were worried because he had started to develop a high fever and the meds did nothing for it.
On the 27th, the boys arrived at 9:30 and got to see Bob, give him hugs, kisses and high fives and say goodbye. I didn’t know until a few months later but my friend Dan took pictures of that and I’m so glad he did.
These past few days all of this has been running through my head just constantly thinking about it and knowing at this time last year what I was doing. Thursday morning I was supposed to go to a Mass being said for Bob at 6:15 but didn’t make it. I tossed and turned all night, was wide awake 2-3:30 and then tossed and turned some more and must have turned off my alarm without realizing it. I woke up with that “oh shit!” moment at 6:15 and realized I couldn’t make it. I was so mad at myself. I had been talking to my friend Christina all week about it because she was going to go with me and I didn’t make it.
Next on the agenda was the shooting range. I pulled in right at 10am which was my plan since that’s the exact time that Bob passed. At the same time the song, All I Need Is A Miracle by Mike & The Mechanics came on. May not mean much to you but to me it was another sign. I had been asking for a miracle for Bob the entire time up until his last breath at 10am and 1 year later this song starts playing at exactly 10am, these things aren’t just coincidence to me.
My friend Barb and her husband met me at the range and we had a great time shooting.
Barb’s husband said that I was really focusing on that left chest area but they’re all good shots. That’s basically where Bob’s tumor was so maybe I did it subconsciously. After shooting, Barb and I ate there while her husband went to pick up one of their kids from school. We were talking and catching up and then started talking about Bob and a few seconds later we heard bagpipes playing. We stopped talking and both instantly had tears in our eyes and were trying to figure out where it was coming from but never did. It wasn’t on the tv’s and nobody else seemed to either notice or care. If she hadn’t heard it too I may think I was crazy, lol. She’s open to the signs too so I’m glad she thought it was one also.
Throughout the day I received a few deliveries; cookie cake and 3 flower deliveries. Cookie cake came from my friends Johnny and Tricia, flowers from Keith, Toni (a lady from a widows and orphans group) and the last flowers from the St. Louis County Police Family Association. Every one of these deliveries made my day better and I’m so glad these people are part of my life.
That night the boys and I went to our friends Matt & Holly’s for dinner and drinks. All of the guys there were the friends Bob grew up with and the only reason I know and am friends with them is because of him. I’m thankful for this group and my boys love them so I’m glad they are still part of my life. It is such a weird feeling though being with everyone and not having Bob there, almost like an 11th wheel (there are 5 couples). I know they don’t consider me that though. We had a great night and I can’t wait to do it again.
I want to thank all my friends and family that called, texted, posted on Facebook or hung out with me on the 1 year Anniversary of Bob’s death and thank you to my mother in law for taking the kids for a few hours. You all make this difficult journey of mine easier to navigate.