18 months, 1 1/2 years, 548 days. No matter how you say it, it’s hard to believe it’s been that long. 18 months since he passed? Caleb was only 18 months old when he was diagnosed. Some days I feel like I’ll wake up from this sick, cruel joke but I know that will never happen. I’ve learned to live without him and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. People say, “you’re so strong” but what other choice do I have? I’ve lost my husband, my kids lost their daddy. I don’t want to lose my kids or have my kids lose me because I can’t make it in this life without Bob. What good would that do? I just suck it up and move forward.
I’ve met so many amazing friends since Bob passed, mainly other widows and widowers and they’ve helped me in so many ways. It’s the best being able to talk to others that have been in my situation and know exactly what I’ve been through, am going through and will go through the rest of my life. I can honestly say I’m happy again and I smile everyday. I also still cry a lot but there’s at least once in the day that I’m smiling no matter what. Why wouldn’t I? God let me wake up another day and I’m so grateful for that. I’m still here and I get to watch these 2 little boys grow up to be more and more like their daddy and it’s just an awesome thing. I am still living my life the way Bob would want and I know he would be proud of me. Everything I have done and am doing I know he would be okay with. I still have a hard time though figuring out what to do in certain situations since I don’t have Bob to talk it over with. Now I just ask a friend for advice if needed. Sometimes it helps and other times it doesn’t but at least I’m trying to figure it out.
I’m so thankful for everyone in my life. All of my family and friends that haven’t given up on me even though I don’t talk to them often because my life is crazy, my friends that get me out of the house to enjoy some adult time and the police officers who still allow me to come around and bug them. Like yesterday when I hung out there while my car was getting an oil change and tires rotated and they showed me how to clean my gun. Thank you to all involved with that, especially Dave for actually cleaning it. That’s exactly what Bob had hoped for when he knew he wasn’t going to make it. He told me that our police family would be there for me with anything I needed and he was right.