So much happened this month and my anxiety was all over the place. What would have been my 7th wedding anniversary but was my 2nd without Bob and then 2 years since he passed. I don’t know why but for some reason the 2nd year was harder for me. More people disappeared from mine and the boys lives and the boys, mainly Caleb, started asking more questions. Not only that but as of yesterday Caleb has officially been fatherless as long as he had a father. That is so sad and crazy to me. He missed out on so much with Bob and I hate it.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job at talking about Bob daily with the boys but I guess some things were harder for Caleb to understand or comprehend. Thinking part of it has to do with with how he processes things but that’s one of the things they are working on with his IEP at school. Some of the things he used to say were daddy died because he broke his arm, daddy died because he hit his head or when he sees a police officer friend and says “you shot my daddy!?” or says to a firefighter “you didn’t save my daddy!” it makes you realize how much he’s confused. This was very frustrating for all of us and it would upset Logan when Caleb would say those things. We have been in counseling for a few weeks now and I’m working more with him on this at home and now when asked how daddy died he says that daddy got sick and had cancer and the medicine didn’t work. He actually understands it now and knows that daddy isn’t coming back. He has even made drawings now that relate to before daddy was sick, when daddy was sick and after daddy died. It’s amazing to see his progress.
Friday I went with my friend Jess to get a tattoo. I couldn’t get the whole thing I wanted because it would have been too big but still super happy with it. I got it because I have to have faith in this life of mine. Bob never gave up his and I won’t give up mine. No matter what happens I have to have faith in God and allow Him to take me on this path in life that He is. I may not always agree but I’m listening and trying to follow His plan as best I can. ” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Jeremiah 29:11 This is one of my favorite Bible verses and one I’ve held onto since Bob started his battle.
Saturday we were surprised at Bob’s tree by our police family. I love how they love the boys and I and help us honor and remember Bob. My friend Lynsey made me a shirt and we were given cupcakes which they made sure were gluten free so Caleb can enjoy them too. My friend Keith put an amazing arrangement on Bob’s grave which is much prettier in person and someone left him a quarter. I love that my police friends still go to Bob’s grave, it makes my heart happy that other people besides us and his family are visiting him. I don’t know what I would do without these people in my life.
