This week was a pretty rough week for me but with everything I’ve been through in my 31 years of life I think I can handle just about anything.
The boys seemed to push every button of mine they possibly could and I forgot about Friday being pajama day at school for Logan and he made sure I knew how upset he was about it, mom fail. I got a letter in the mail from the monument place that Bob’s headstone was complete and they included a picture of it. Instant tears as soon as I saw it. It’s such a weird thing seeing a headstone with his name on it. I saw what it would look like on paper and changed it three different times but actually seeing a picture of it completed is so much different. I can’t even imagine the feelings that will come when I see it at the cemetery once it’s in place. I went yesterday to the monument place to pay off the balance on the headstone so they can get it out to the cemetery sooner than later. It’s already been 15 months so I don’t want to delay it any longer. Luckily after I dealt with that I got to see my friend Meghan and we went boot shopping so that made things a little better.
Today I decided to get the boys out of the house for a little bit so I took them to Powder Valley, lunch at Steak n Shake and Monkey Joe’s. On the way there out of no where Logan starts asking me questions. “Why was I in that dumb tiny room when daddy died? I wanted to be in the room with him and see him die.” He said it with an anger and sadness I’ve never heard from him before. Bob has been gone 15 months now, Logan was barely 4, how does he even remember that day and details like that? I feel terrible, I know I made the right decision and Bob didn’t want the boys in there when he died either but having him question me sucks. He then asked me “did he just lay there, close his eyes and die like dinosaurs?” “Did his body just teleport to Heaven or how did he get to Heaven?” How do I answer these questions? It just makes me so sad that these boys have to go through this. They still kiss Bob’s photo every night before bed and all this week Caleb has been looking at it and saying “daddy’s dead” or “daddy died”. It’s the most heartbreaking thing.
Those of you who read my blog please say a little prayer for the boys and I. I talk to God daily but we could always use the extra prayers.