So yesterday marked 3 months since Bob’s been gone. It’s weird, it feels like so much longer than that and at the same time doesn’t feel like it’s been 3 months, if that makes sense. I can remember every single detail of that day and the days leading up to it. I don’t remember much about what happened the days following. I was more just going through the motions. I honestly still am just going through the motions most days.I hate being a single parent, this isn’t what I signed up for and I’m definitely no good at it.
I was told about this place called Annie’s Hope so I decided it was time to check it out. I signed Logan and I up for an 8 week session. Caleb will start sometime after he’s 3. Last night was our first night and it seems like it will be good for us. We were split into groups (the kids by their age) and adults by what they were dealing with. I was in a group with other widows. I was worried Logan wouldn’t want to be separated from me, because that’s what we deal with all the time, but he went with the group leaders and other kids with no issues.
It’s weird that I don’t have a problem telling people I am seeking counseling. When I was 16 I had lost 3 of my friends within 3 months of each other and another was in an accident that left him in a vegetative state. I blamed myself for years for one of my friends deaths. I took her to and from school a lot and this particular day I wasn’t at school because I had strep. That’s the day she rode with someone else and didn’t make it home. I was in agony for years over that and should have sought counseling then but I didn’t. We lived in a small town where everyone knows everything about you and that’s the last thing I wanted people to know. It wasn’t until a few years later and after I started dating Bob that I finally went to counseling for it. He was so supportive and knew it would help me and it did. Yes I still think about her all the time but I don’t blame myself any longer. I wish I would have done the counseling that much sooner because I wouldn’t have had to deal with all that anger for all those years if I did. Just one more time in my life where Bob knew what was best for me.
Here’s to hoping this new counseling brings some peace and calmness to my life and helps us channel our feelings better.