I went to Bob’s grave again a few days after Christmas and literally an hour later I thought of something that I needed to tell Bob when I got home. This is how unreal his death is, I seriously don’t understand why he was taken from me and the boys. I feel like we’ve been robbed. The past year was just a huge mess of emotions. One year ago, January 2, 2015, was the first day that changed my life, the day they found the mass in Bob’s chest. My boys were only 3 1/2 and 18 months old when Bob was diagnosed. They missed out on so much with him this past year and will now miss out on everything for the rest of their lives. Even when he was sick he attempted to do anything and everything he could with those boys. He was the best daddy and no one can fill that void. Everyday they say something about him or ask about him and as hard as it is for me I talk to them about him as much as I can. I don’t want them to ever forget Bob and how much he loved them.

Logan says to me the other day, “mommy, you’re the best mommy ever!”. I can’t tell you how much that made me cry. I was so sad and happy at the same time. I love hearing that but then I think about how his daddy isn’t here to hear him say that he’s the best daddy ever. I am trying so hard to be the best mommy but it is overwhelming. How do I be a mom to boys? Logan asks me questions sometimes that are meant for a daddy and it throws me off. One of the things Bob wrote to me in my letter is how I’ll have to be the one that’s there for them through all of the changes they will go through as boys and how I should handle it. I pray that what he wrote works for me. I am terrified.