4 months

Today marks 4 months since the last time I got to look Bob in his eyes and tell him “I love you”. I still tell him everyday but it’s not the same. It’s so weird to think another month has gone by and that every month on the 27th I will be forced to think about it. Yesterday after I dropped Logan off at school I went to Target with Caleb. On the way home I remember being on Lindbergh and then next thing I know I’m on Meramec Bottom by Tequilas and don’t remember the drive in between. I was in a zone and just thinking about Bob and about all the what if’s and how much he’s missed out on in just 4 months and how much more he’s going to miss. What if we would have started that trial drug sooner rather than doing that 4th chemo? That one is always on my mind. I hate thinking like that, I know none of it would have changed the outcome but the constant what if is in my head.

Last night I went with some friends to a trivia night. I had a great time and enjoyed a night out without the kids. The only thing that sucked about it was seeing all the happy couples. I’m just jealous that I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have the person who completed me and made me happy. What I have now is trying to figure out what to put on his headstone. I was sitting there the other day making a list of what I wanted it to say or how I wanted it to look. I want it to be perfect and I don’t want to regret not putting something on there. I’m looking online at headstones and asking other widows on facebook what theirs look like so I can get ideas. Who does that at age 30? It isn’t right and it’s not fair.

This morning I took the kids to Bee Tree to see “Daddy’s Tree”. It’s so nice having that and being able to go there with the boys rather than the cemetery. I still go to Bob’s grave once a week but I can take the kids to the park and see daddy’s tree so they don’t have to go to the cemetery unless they want to. I’m looking forward to watching it grow along with the kids and having it for so many years to come.