Wow, it’s been a little bit since I’ve posted anything. This week was tough, we had another officer killed in the line of duty. Officer Michael Langsdorf was part of the North County Cooperative Police department. I didn’t know him but have a few friends who did. Right after it happened my phone starting blowing up with phone calls and messages from other police wives. Our group has an amazing connection with everything we’ve been through as part of the 3rd precinct and once again we were all there supporting one another. Even though it wasn’t someone we knew, it was still one of our own and hurts in a way that we can’t describe. The funeral is Monday and I know it will be difficult. The first police funeral I had been to was Bob’s and then Blake’s and now this will be the 3rd one and I honestly hope it’s the last. Even though Bob wasn’t line of duty I still very much feel like I’m part of the police family, will always be a police wife and will always be there to support our officers and their spouses no matter what. I pray for his family, for his children and for his fiancé.

This is also a tough week for me because I’m getting paperwork ready in order to sell my home. The first home that Bob and I bought together and shared. The home I’ve been in for 7 years, that we have been in since Logan was 11 months old. The home we brought our newborn Caleb home to 6 years ago and made tons of memories as a family of 4. The home where Bob worked his ass off at becoming a St. Louis County Police Officer. He would go to the academy and come home and sit at the kitchen table and do homework all while the kids were crawling over him wanting his attention and he still managed to get Top Academic out of his class. The home where he built the huge deck on the back where we enjoyed spending time as a family and the home that we would come home to after his chemo. While there are so many good memories with this home there are so many not so good ones either. I know selling this home and moving forward is very much needed but it will be one of the harder things I’ve done. With the paperwork, I was in need of Bob’s death certificate. I was on the phone with a friend earlier while looking for it and was getting so frustrated with not being able to find it. I was worried I had packed those things away already. While searching for it I came across the last of his days written on pieces of paper. He had been on a full face bipap/cpap machine and it was hard for him to talk or for me to understand him through the mask so he would write things on the paper for me. When his handwriting started to decline he asked to have something with the alphabet on it to point to the letters. The last two sheets of paper were writings of one of his nurses and then of mine spelling out everything he was saying to us. I remember those moments like yesterday but didn’t remember half of the things that were said. It was so overwhelming reading it that I started crying and luckily my friend that I was talking to completely gets it as well since she is also a widow. Maybe some day I’ll write out all what was written but reading it just reminds me of how much he truly loved me and the boys. The one thing he wrote after he woke up really worried from one of his naps was that he had a dream that he was fine but found out that the boys and I were hurt really bad and he made me call my mom to check on the boys just to be sure. There were other times he had several bad dreams that may have been caused by meds but no matter what pain he was in he still always wanted to make sure the boys and I were okay. The last page of notes is what got to me the most. Some of his final words to me besides him telling me he loved me and giving me a hug and kiss. Oh, these words are so bittersweet.

He said, “The Holy Spirit will guide you and all those around you, things will fall into place. Belmar himself said the department has this”.

Wow, Bob’s faith was so strong in his battle, even until the end. He mentioned Belmar, which is Chief Belmar of the St. Louis County Police department. Belmar hasn’t forgotten about us and every time I see him I get a big hug. He was right about my police family being there for us because they truly have been a big support emotionally for me. Some of my best friends are police wives and I’m so thankful for them. The boys look up to their husbands as well and it’s so good knowing I can count on them for anything. That same friend of mine called me again tonight and read me the letter she found from her late husband. She was looking for something and came across it. So weird how we both needed something today as we were both just having off days and both got that from them. They’re still watching over us and that’s such a good feeling. In closing, I’m really going to miss this home, I’m going to miss my neighbors and I’m going to miss being in South County but I know it’s time to move forward.