Today would be mine and Bob’s 9 year wedding anniversary. We only made it to 5 and he passed away just 18 days later. I often wonder on these days what we would be doing. We’d definitely make time for dinner and a movie and we’d get each other some sort of gift. We had so many plans and they are just non existent now. The way I now spend my anniversary is by going to the shooting range to relieve some stress and visiting his grave.
October has been a hard month since Bob died. It used to be my favorite month and in a way still is but with heartache attached to it. The reason we decided to get married in October was because it was our favorite month and time of year. Same reason he chose to propose to me in October. The following October after Bob died was when Blake was murdered so now that’s just an additional thing to grieve each October. And yesterday was a year since we lost Bob’s uncle Tim unexpectedly and suddenly.
This year though I had a lot of anxiety leading up to today for some reason. It’s just a lot. How has he been gone almost 4 years? How has Blake been gone for 3 already? My friend April is coming up on 5 years this month since her husband passed and it just doesn’t get any easier. Thankfully April has been in my life a few years and we talk daily and just understand each other. Even though we’ve both dated and are in relationships since losing our husbands we still grieve that loss and always will.
Something that has been on my mind for a long time and I think I need to say something about it is that if you want to be in my boys lives then make an effort. There are way too many people that have disappeared from our lives since Bob died and that is not my fault. You try figuring out life after losing your spouse and how to be an only parent while raising two small children. How to function day to day without ending up in the hospital because you’ve over done it and taken on too much. Having to explain to your children that there daddy is not coming back, hoping that they remember some of the amazing memories he left us with, praying that they grow up to be amazing human beings like Bob was. It is not my responsibility to make you be part of their lives. I have never kept my boys from anyone and never will, if you are no longer in their lives that is your own fault. Do not expect me to reach out if you unfriend or block me on facebook for no reason other than you not giving a crap about the boys. I don’t know why anyone that was a part of their lives would no longer want to be (especially family). They are amazing little boys that have dealt with far too much loss in their short lives and I will not make you be part of their lives. I want them surrounded with people who actually care about them and me, who reach out and ask how we’re doing, who reach out and ask to see the boys and who offer to help me.
A good example of some of the people I choose to surround myself with are my fellow police wives. Just recently one of the wives picked out a picture of Elizabeth’s and another added some text to it so we could all change our facebook profile pictures to the same thing in memory of Blake and show our united support as “3rd precinct wives” to Elizabeth in that way. It was one small thing but these are the type of people that I love being around and I love my boys being around. People that are constantly encouraging one another and being there for each other.
You might notice now that this is directed more towards one person, it is, but there are more people that this applies to. My boys are very smart and they see who is part of their lives, they know who wants to see them and who doesn’t. Bob and I were always on the same page with telling them the truth about things and when they ask why this person or that person doesn’t see them anymore I’m honest with them, I have no reason to lie to them. Lying to them about why you aren’t in their lives makes me look like the bad guy in the end. I could say, oh, well we haven’t had the chance to go visit or something but then I’m putting the blame on me. That will not happen. My boys will know who cares and who doesn’t. They will know that as a solo parent I did everything I could for them.
Do you know what the boys have gone through since losing their dad?
Do you know what they’ve gone through since another person they loved was shot and his life forever changed?
Do you know what they have gone through since Logan’s godfather died?
How about what Caleb has gone through being diagnosed with Celiac?
How about the fact that he has to go every 6 months to a year to be put under and have a colonoscopy done, polyps removed and tested?
Do you know what that does to a child, especially one that responds poorly to anesthesia?
Do you know what that does to me as an only parent seeing your child go through that and you can’t do anything for them?
Do you know the anxiety it gives him or Logan or I because of what we’ve been through and all of the hospital visits during Bob’s battle?
The anxiety we get because we know that we are not promised another day?
The anxiety waiting on the polyp test results, praying that they will always be benign?
Life is too short and I’ve chosen to be surrounded by people who love the boys and I and want to be in our lives.
I don’t know what you’ve told people as to why the boys aren’t in your life but the truth is that was your choice. You made those decisions, not me. And no one, I mean no one, has the right to tell me what Bob would want. You don’t know him like I did. Bob and I were on the same page about everything in life and I knew him better than anyone. This isn’t the first time this person has disappeared from our lives. It happened many times over the years when Bob was alive so yes, I do know exactly what Bob would want and do in this situation because he did it before.
I know you’re hurting too, just like many others are since Bob died, but you have no right to put any blame on me in this situation or say the things you’ve said to me. I’ve done the absolute best I can possibly do since losing him. My kids have and always will come first and they deserve better.