Of course Christmas sucked just like Thanksgiving did. There were some things that made it bearable though.
Our friend Josh (he was our best man) invited me and the kids to go with him, his parents, his girlfriend and her daughter to the Zoo lights. We had never been and we really enjoyed it. It was nice getting the kids out and seeing Josh interact with the boys.
The night before Christmas Eve I went to hang out with some friends (the friends I met through Bob). I’ve known these people for 11 years and I’m so thankful for them. They’ve been there through everything with Bob and I. Dating, marriage, kids and they were there at the hospital with me when he died. Bob and his friends always got each other gifts for Christmas so as they are all exchanging gifts they hand me a few. I was so surprised by it and it took everything in me to hold back the tears. The next thing I know is they hand the kids some gifts too. Logan was so excited by the things he got and seeing Bob’s friends with my kids is when I couldn’t hold back the tears. Everything they got for them was stuff that Bob would have gotten for them at some point. This is why the boys need these guys in their lives, they are so good with them and truly care about them.
I spent Christmas with Bob’s family and there was a lot of sadness. Nothing was the same as it has been in past years. Every year we have Christmas morning breakfast with his parents, brother and sister and her husband. That didn’t happen this year. When I found out about that not happening I was really thrown for a loop. I absolutely hate change, always have, always will and I know this was going to happen eventually, once his sister had her own family, but it just made me terrified that I was no longer part of the family. I know that’s not the case but I was scared and upset and couldn’t stop crying about it but I couldn’t show my feelings to anyone, I just had to deal with it. Thankfully one of his brothers and his wife asked if the kids and I would like to stay the night at their house Christmas Eve and have breakfast Christmas day and open presents. It was such a huge relief when they asked me. I hated the idea of waking up Christmas morning in my home without Bob and all of the Christmas decorations. They really made it special for my boys and I appreciate it so much. Logan helped his aunt put out cookies and milk for Santa and put out the reindeer food. He even helped make breakfast the next morning with his uncle. A lot of great memories happened that day that I’ll never forget so I guess sometimes change is okay.
I tried not to think about him being gone, I told myself it’s fine, he’s just working the holiday but that’s just me hiding from the truth. I loved seeing the kids with their cousins and their aunts and uncles but it just made me miss Bob even more and more upset about what all he is missing.
My favorite gift I received this Christmas was this necklace Bob’s brother and his wife had made for me. It’s a heart with Bob’s fingerprint in it and his birthstone. I would have never even thought to do something like this and I’m so glad they did. My favorite gift for the boys was the blankets they got that had pictures of them and Bob on it. I feel like when they use them Bob is giving them a big hug.
