Just wondering when things in my life are going to start looking up. I’ve dealt with so much suffering and pain in my short 31 years of life that it feels like it’s never ending. Finally happy for the first time in what seems like forever and then it’s gone just like that. I just constantly ask why I’ve been dealt these cards and when it’s going to change. I’ve been praying a lot lately about everything and I’m just so confused on what God has planned for me. I don’t like living like this, this feeling of unknown and worry about everything, it seriously sucks. I go shooting pretty often to relieve stress and it really does help, much better than seeing a therapist in my opinion. I’ve gone to therapy a few times but I never seem to get much out of it. I get more out of writing on this blog and shooting than I do talking to a therapist.
Today I needed to go to the range because I’ve had a shitty week. I stopped by the precinct first to visit and left feeling worse than I did when I got there. I’ve had a lot of other widows tell me that the 2nd year is worse than the first but I didn’t see how that could be possible. Well, it seems to be happening that way. After Bob died, his Captain put up his picture and an “In Memory Of” thing next to it (I think I wrote about it in one of my earlier blogs) and I thought it was so nice of him. It was a way that I knew they wouldn’t forget about Bob and how much of a fighter he was. Every time we stop by Logan always goes upstairs to look at Daddy’s picture. Well, Daddy’s picture is no longer there as of today, it was sent home with me. I’m not mad at them for taking it down, I do completely understand that it can be sad for the officers seeing that on a daily basis but it just makes me feel like he will be forgotten. I can’t stand the thought of that.
I also found out that the 2 shadow boxes with Bob’s uniforms in it for the boys are done and will be brought by the house today. I honestly don’t even know what I’m going to do with these. I have a feeling it’s going to be pretty hard for me to see them but I just want them so the boys can have them when they’re older. Just so many emotions to deal with this week and feeling all alone in this world.
UPDATE: Within a few hours of this post the decision was made for the picture of Bob to be put back up at the precinct! Thank you everyone for your support.
So sorry you are going through this sweetie. One thing I do know, is that if you keep searching, God will reveal his plan for you. I know it must be so difficult to look at the faces of those precious babies, and not see Bob. I’m sure you must feel alone, and frightened at the thought of raising them without their daddy. I believe God knew this would happen, and that he specifically chose you as the strong, courageous mother that could care for these babies, in the absence of their daddy. Please keep your head up, and know that this is only a season, and that God has good things ahead for you. Don’t give up the fight, lean on the people who God has put in your life to help carry you in your weakness. I will be praying for you.. Hugs to you and your boys.
I’m definitely continuing my search. I have to get through these things somehow.
I love you, Alicia, and I hate reading how upset you are. You are so incredibly strong and brave, I can’t even begin to try to put it into words. My heart just aches for you because I’ll never know the pain you and your boys are suffering through and when I feel myself being sad for you, I know that it doesn’t even compare to the never ending heartache that you endure each and every day. You are doing SO AMAZING with those boys and they are going to be so GRATEFUL and PROUD of you when they’re older. Maybe THAT’S God’s plan or intent…to show your boys and your readers just how STRONG and COURAGEOUS someone can be, even when dealt one of the most painful deck of cards. Your strength and ability to express your feelings is INSPIRING. I love you like a sister and I’m here for you ALWAYS.
I love you too Kassie! Seriously, you make me cry. Thank you for the kind words.
I am sorry you are feeling so sad. I am across the street and you never need a special invite to pop in 🙂
There is no right way to grieve. No right amount of time to do it. I love that you go shooting over therapy! Reading that made me laugh. The blog and the shooting range are excellent ways to release the emotion. That’s what is important…..to keep communicating and releasing. The wisdom of other widows, as unfortunate as it is that it has to exist, is probably very valuable. Honestly, it sounds like you are doing all the right things. More than that, your two precious sons are witnessing what I think is the greatest strength…. vulnerability. Not the “Hey, let me lay here until someone tramples me!” vulnerability. Rather, the kind of vulnerability that is healthy, smart, and healing. And mighty. For whatever reason God has called you to be where you are right now….even though it is hard to see through the pain….from the outside looking in….YOU. ARE. AN INSPIRATION. I’m so glad you have family, the police force, and so many wonderful friends to listen and hold your pain when you cannot. Even I read your blog’s and think about the three of you often and pray for you, and all those affected by the loss of Bob. Keep emoting. Stay in communication. Truthfully, I’m not sure your large support group would let you get away with not doing that LoL. That gives me comfort to know you are so loved by so many! I’m happy you have the space to say anything and be supported. And….if the second year is worse, we’ll just hold you tighter!
It is definitely the best form of therapy in my opinion, lol. Thank you for saying I’m an inspiration. It’s hard for me to see that but I do hope that I can help others in my situation in some way.