Just wondering when things in my life are going to start looking up. I’ve dealt with so much suffering and pain in my short 31 years of life that it feels like it’s never ending. Finally happy for the first time in what seems like forever and then it’s gone just like that. I just constantly ask why I’ve been dealt these cards and when it’s going to change. I’ve been praying a lot lately about everything and I’m just so confused on what God has planned for me. I don’t like living like this, this feeling of unknown and worry about everything, it seriously sucks. I go shooting pretty often to relieve stress and it really does help, much better than seeing a therapist in my opinion. I’ve gone to therapy a few times but I never seem to get much out of it. I get more out of writing on this blog and shooting than I do talking to a therapist.
Today I needed to go to the range because I’ve had a shitty week. I stopped by the precinct first to visit and left feeling worse than I did when I got there. I’ve had a lot of other widows tell me that the 2nd year is worse than the first but I didn’t see how that could be possible. Well, it seems to be happening that way. After Bob died, his Captain put up his picture and an “In Memory Of” thing next to it (I think I wrote about it in one of my earlier blogs) and I thought it was so nice of him. It was a way that I knew they wouldn’t forget about Bob and how much of a fighter he was. Every time we stop by Logan always goes upstairs to look at Daddy’s picture. Well, Daddy’s picture is no longer there as of today, it was sent home with me. I’m not mad at them for taking it down, I do completely understand that it can be sad for the officers seeing that on a daily basis but it just makes me feel like he will be forgotten. I can’t stand the thought of that.
I also found out that the 2 shadow boxes with Bob’s uniforms in it for the boys are done and will be brought by the house today. I honestly don’t even know what I’m going to do with these. I have a feeling it’s going to be pretty hard for me to see them but I just want them so the boys can have them when they’re older. Just so many emotions to deal with this week and feeling all alone in this world.
UPDATE: Within a few hours of this post the decision was made for the picture of Bob to be put back up at the precinct! Thank you everyone for your support.