Feeling Overwhelmed

I’m not sure why this weekend was so overwhelming for me but it was. There weren’t any significant dates or anything that would cause that feeling. That’s the weird thing about grief, it comes and goes whenever it wants. I think most of it is just the fact that last week Caleb had to get stitches and this week school starts.

I’m not sure if Logan learned his lesson about throwing things (even if they are playing and Caleb is throwing things too) but I really hope he did. That morning when he busted Caleb’s lip was frustrating for me. Unsure if he really needed to go to the urgent care or not and honestly I just really didn’t want to take both kids there by myself and deal with it all. I wanted Bob to be there and help me make that decision. I did have some help making the decision to take him and I’m glad I did, it helped calm me down a little. They said he would need 2 stitches and so we took him to a different room for that. Logan freaked out and said he wasn’t going in there and started to cry. He asked me if Caleb was going to die like daddy did. I hate that he feels like that and this isn’t the first time he’s said something like that. Obviously I had to be in the room with Caleb but Logan didn’t want in there so here I am, a widowed mom of two trying to figure out what to do and not break down myself. I asked the nurse if Logan could just stay in that room we were just in since it had a tv and cartoons were on and she said that would be fine. I knew he would be okay in there but it was hard not being able to be with him while Caleb got the stitches. Caleb’s screams echoed throughout the building and it took 3 of us to hold him down, he’s one strong kid. Afterwards, Logan was clearly upset and said he could hear Caleb screaming. I’m hoping that he was scared enough to learn his lesson and that it could have been a lot worse.

I got to see my niece and two nephews Thursday and Friday. I love getting to see them and it’s been a while. Jovie was born 10 days after Bob and I started dating and now she’s 12 1/2! Not sure where the time has gone. My nephew, Preston was born 2 days before Bob died so he is now just a little older than Caleb was when Bob was diagnosed. It’s surreal seeing kids that were Caleb’s age at that time and realizing how little he really was. I knew it and looking back at pictures I see it but I’m not really sure others do. My kids were so confused during that time and they still are. I mean, I was 30 and was confused myself so how could these babies not have been? I hate that they didn’t get their daddy longer and I hate that Bob didn’t get to be the amazing dad he was longer.

I was able to get to the range on Saturday and had a good time shooting. I always do because it’s a nice stress reliever. After shooting I went to Bob’s grave like normal but with everything that happened that week I was so overwhelmed, more so than normal. This is seriously my reality right now?! If I want to be close to Bob this is where I have to go.

On Sunday I put my wedding ring back on (another weird thing about grieving). I don’t know why I did but I just felt like I needed it. It made me both comfortable and uncomfortable and so at the end of the night it came back off. At dinner that night Logan said that he doesn’t really remember daddy and what he looks like. He said when he sees pictures he remembers but he can’t remember if he doesn’t see them. And this right here is the reason I will always have photos of Bob up in the house no matter what. He said he only remembers when daddy wrestled with him, played/taught him video games, and sang and played his guitar. He wanted to know why he couldn’t remember more and I didn’t have an answer for him. If Logan is remembering less and less then Caleb really won’t remember anything. This has been one of my biggest fears and slowly approaching 2 years since Bob passed and it’s starting. As much as I talk about Bob with them, show pictures and videos of him I was really hoping to prevent that from happening but I feel like I’m failing. After that we decided to check out daddy’s tree since it had been a while. It’s getting bigger and the boys love seeing it grow.