It’s been 2 months since I’ve written a blog. So much has happened and all of it just makes me miss you that much more.
I had to take Caleb for a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy and let me tell you that it was the last thing I wanted to do by myself. The day before he had to be on an all liquid diet which was the worst. He basically had jello and popsicles. They gave him a med to help calm him down/knock him out a little before they did the anesthesia. This kid turned into something I’ve never seen before from him. He was screaming at me, trying to rip off his hospital gown and hitting me. He’s 40lbs so it wasn’t the easiest for me to hold him down until he calmed down, especially since I couldn’t stand seeing him like that. He was like this tiny little drunk Hulk. Thankful for all of the prayers everyone sent our way, I definitely needed them. His diagnosis came back with Celiac Disease. I’m thankful it wasn’t anything more but it’s just another learning curve for me to deal with without your help. Later that day Captain Stocker called me and that call couldn’t have come on a better day. He still thinks about you and keeps the boys and I in his thoughts. I’m so glad he was your Captain while you were going through everything. Seriously, what an amazing man.
Caleb just turned 4 and he spent his 2nd Father’s Day without you, Bob, how is that possible? He’s had as many Father’s Days with you as he has had without you. I don’t even know what normal people do on those days anymore. We spent it at your grave. It’s hard to tell the boys no when they want to have lunch with daddy. While there, Logan discovered he had his first loose tooth while eating an apple! I’m so glad it happened when we were there. Just made me realize though it’s another one of those things you don’t get to experience with us. He lost that tooth just a few days later.
I’m so thankful you ended up at the 3rd precinct. I’m sure the other precinct’s are great too but ours is so special. I couldn’t ask for a better group of women to surround myself with and their husbands are pretty awesome too and just love your boys. The boys and I went out to a fundraiser for another officer that has cancer with the 3rd precinct wives. When an officer needs support, we will always try to be there just like they were for us. Poor Brandon got climbed on like a jungle gym and even though it was hot out there he didn’t complain. Thanks Brandon, those boys love you! That night when we got home Logan decided to draw a picture before bed. I asked him if it was him getting ready for bed (when it was just the person in the bed) and he said “no, it’s daddy”. I asked why daddy didn’t have any hair and he said “because he didn’t have hair when he died”. He then drew the other 3 people which were him, Caleb and I saying our goodbyes to you before you died. These are not the kinds of things he should be drawing but this is his reality and it just breaks my heart.
I took Logan’s training wheels off his bike and helped him learn how to ride without them. What a very frustrating morning it was for both of us! We took a break and came back out after lunch and he finally was able to ride by himself! It was so awesome, Bob. He said that you were watching him and I truly believe that you were. I miss looking out the deck door seeing you and him riding bikes together, this should have been you out there helping him and not me.
I finally took your duty gun to shoot since I received it a couple months ago. Definitely not the same shooting it without you. I don’t think I did too bad for not having shot it in about 2 years and the fact that it made me more emotional than I thought it would. Had to set it down and take a little break because I was so shaking and had tears.
Bob, I feel your presence more days than not and I’m so thankful for that. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you or talk about you. The boys love hearing stories about you and watching videos and looking at photos. They also love listening to your music. I have a feeling they will have your musical talent.
I pray everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and for some reason God is setting me on this path that I really don’t know why. I’ve told him no multiple times for months and He will not accept that answer. I know you have something to do with it because on those days that I pray more and give it all to God is when you pop up in my dreams telling me to listen to God. Have patience He says and this is the path that is right for you and the boys. Ha, doesn’t He know how hard it is for me to have patience?! Lol. I have a feeling you and God are having a good time laughing at me during this process. Things would be so much easier and better if you were just here with me. Hard is good and good is hard is what I’ve been told multiple times and that couldn’t be more true.