Night time in this house has been completely different since Bob passed. Bob and I had the boys on a really good routine, even when he was working nights the boys had a nice routine and were used to it. The year Bob was diagnosed we attempted to keep their routine the same but it was just impossible. The boys were with family or friends some of the days and most nights that I would come home from the hospital if I didn’t stay there it would be after their bedtime.
The months that followed his death I left lights on and doors open. I couldn’t sleep because I would hear every little sound outside or that the house made or when the boys rolled over in their sleep. I felt I needed to be able to hear those things because I was terrified of being in this house “alone”. I figured keeping the light on would help if someone was to break in so that I could see them. I needed the doors to our bedrooms open so that I could hear the boys and make sure they were okay. Here I was, 30 years old and terrified of the dark and afraid to talk to anyone about it. I wasn’t even sleeping in my bed, it was scary too. I slept on the couch for almost the entire first year without Bob. The only time I would sleep in my bed was when my mom would come up to watch the boys and stay the night.
One of the things Bob was worried about before he died was that someone would try and break in since they would know it was only the boys and I. I thought maybe these things would help keep people away or at least they were comforting to me. I’ve realized it doesn’t really help. I’ve missed out on so much sleep because of my constant worry and the boys haven’t slept the best either. The boys have gotten used to the lights on and doors open and I don’t want that for them.
The boys have had many nights where they wake up asking for daddy or they say it in their sleep. That’s been happening a lot and one of the things they already deal with, they don’t need to have my worries to deal with too. The other night Logan was talking in his sleep and he said “that was nice of daddy, he gave me a green….” and then the rest I couldn’t understand. It’s comforting to me to think that maybe Bob is visiting them in their dreams. I’ve had him in a few of mine so I hope that they continue to see him in theirs.
I can say since I’ve started to shut the doors and turn the lights off I have slept better and the boys have too. The first few days was weird and a little rough for them and they were asking for the light to be on but we got past it. Here I am now at 31 and still afraid some nights but it’s getting easier. Also, the fact that if someone did break in they would be meeting me with my gun makes me not as worried and allows me to sleep better. Haha.